I was never the religious type.

The church of my grandmother and my mother was a Christian one, and when I was younger I went to church. I never got around to getting baptized. I would have considered myself agnostic, not atheist. But, if I am honest, that was only because I was too afraid to be an atheist.

A few years ago I faced certain death.

Stage three cancer required the removal of an organ. The kidney I had left was failing. The eGFR number dropped month after month. I was on several prescription bottles, and with all of that, the number kept dropping. When you feel the physical effects of your organs shutting down and not operating properly, it becomes clear that the indeterminate decades of life you assumed you had are no longer there.

What I Thought I Would Do

The point of all this is that I did not feel the way I always thought I would feel.

I thought I would just say "**** it." Get drunk all the time. Do wild drugs. Spend all my money.

Instead, I would lay in bed at night, feeling the effects of my body dying, not liking the situation, but feeling at peace. A spiritual peace.

And instead of making plans to get drunk, do drugs, and do crazy things, I worked to wrap up my affairs and make the best situation I could for my loved ones.

Why

The reason is that I had been practicing a spiritual life. Not a religious life. Not a life with a Bible. A spiritual life: searching for, and recognizing, a Power greater than myself.

When I was facing what I was facing, that Higher Power gave me the strength to get out of bed each morning, take step after step, and walk through a situation that I could not have imagined I could walk through.

I Was Not Having A Hard Time

As I stared at the ceiling contemplating my life, I felt this Power envelop me, and with it, the ability to go through anything at peace.

And I realized: I was not having a hard time.

There are people throughout the world who live in harsh conditions their entire lives. Compared to them, I have never known a single day, or a single moment, of legitimate hard times.

I only felt the things I felt because of my Expectations. Because of my Ego.

My Ego is the way I want things to be, not how things are. Seeing how things are is Humility.

Touching God

In those moments, I touched God.

No, not the God of my childhood. No, not the God of the Bible. A real God. The one you face when you face certain death.

I was able to truly examine myself, and see clearly, in a way I had never been able to before. And what I saw was myself. I had true Humility.

That is what allowed me to touch God. There is only one door, and it is Humility. That door requires:

• First, seeing myself and knowing myself
• Then, admitting who I truly am
• And, more importantly, admitting that I am not God. I am not running the show.
• Admitting that I am beholden to a world that is more powerful than me
• Admitting that anything I have, I should be grateful for

That is Humility. That is what allows me to touch God.

The Opposite

The way we understand algebra is to be able to look at an equation both ways. It also helps, with any complicated situation or concept, to look at the opposite.

The opposite of Humility is Ego.

Ego is simply seeing things, and acting, the way I want things to be. The thing that kept me away from that strength, that Power, was Ego.

Ego fuels my Expectations, and these Expectations will never be met. They can never be met.

Ego also fuels my Anger. Anger is always an Expectation not met.

That is what denies me that Power, that spiritual connection, that can get me through anything.

The Irony

It is ironic that at this time I finally let go of any vestiges of believing in the religion of my childhood, in order for me to touch God.

I could no longer have one foot in the mystical, in something I truly did not believe in. I had to be 100 percent honest and walk through that door with only the things I could truly believe in.

So yes, I find it ironic that to touch God, I had to let go of a mystical religion.

I am blessed that my condition is in remission. I now look forward to multiple years, rather than multiple weeks, to live.

Nothing is guaranteed. But I am extremely grateful for this experience.